Future Labiacentric Restauranteer or the Owner of a Holistic Fertility Clinic Masquerading as a Trendy Cantina?

I may be suffering from a kind of fertility awareness syndrome, but I won't run off to join a traveling free-love raw vegan hipster lunch wagon or The Midnight Mavericks Emergency Medicinal Food Circus Mobile Fertility Unit before I complete my book proposal.

My son's bestie slept over last night. She danced to Django Reinhardt, while my son played with her Lego kitchen set. According to her she's half cat and my son really needs cartoons. Even though she won't eat anything but chicken fingers, I see marriage material. They drew out their bedtime a couple extra hours, and woke up too early with smiley sleep deprived faces. Did the "Jewel Train" theme from LeapPad rip-off Nico's All Tomorrow's Parties, or do I just need to go back to bed?

Really wanting a baby girl. To the left, is one of many such meals I cook for my family. Further evidence of my biological clock ticking. Note the step-3-baby-food-like texture, and the labia-shaped presentation of the avocados. My epicurean muff-centric and vulva-focal creations would be most unwelcome in existing P-town eateries. Perhaps I should open up a restaurant which caters predominantly to lesbians and Code-Pink/Riot-Grrrl-gen-x-er-breeders. We can call it Little Italy's Muffia Trattoria, To Be Cuntinued Cafe, The Pussycat Eatery, The Twativerse Tavern, The Clit Cat Club, Big Mama's Hoochie Coochie Cucina, The Rosebud Roadhouse, The Poontang Pâtisserie, or of course there's always, Pandora's Box. I think for a woman with an incredible desire to reproduce, I am holding myself together remarkably well.

Anyone who knows how to pronounce Sleater Kinney will love my retro restaurant chain, which will dress all its waitstaff in grunge flannel over My Little Pony baby tees and wide-wale overalls. There will be a special room for dayglo Bugaboo baby strollers and heavy laptops will replace flowers as table centerpieces. Complimentary BPA-free reverse osmosis water bottles will be given to every diner. Sustainable, cruelty-free locations will include Portland, Williamsburg, Berkeley, and Jamaica Plain. Permanently placed scratch-n'-sniff cupcake-shaped highchairs will accommodate both dogs and babies.

We will cater to raw vegan baby-makers, serving horny-goat-weed-and-kale lasagna, vitex-berry-ovulation-orzo, carob chip vulva halvah and sesame seed Soomsoom for sperm modality, and hibiscus-infused maca-lattes for male vitality. Saw-palmetto-and-celery-root-pâté for libido. Ginseng pad Thai with freeze-dried lychee berry shavings and blanched fennel bulb for premature ejaculation. "86 the 'PreJac'!! Sorry Fellas, we're outta the house special." Wild yam polenta with pea tendril sauce for estrogen precursors. Creamy-hazelnut-and-red-raspberry Lactation Bisque sprinkled with roasted aniseed. Damiana Medjool Date Dykeries? Invitro-fertilization ashwagandha ale? Sperm-donor Scorpion Bowl? Muira Puama Mezcal jello shots?