Fracking for The Cure on Planet Pandora...In National News: Scientists for Surgical Hair Removal have linked depression, low self-esteem & the inability to get a date with pubic hair. For The Cure: Feminists for Cosmetic Liposuction teamed up with Pink Drill Bits for Fracking to create pink EstroBits, SoyGrrrl donuts for moms on the go. 10% of profits from every greasy, artificially-flavored, hormone-disrupting donut wrapped in a leeching BPA-lined plastic baggy, goes to fighting breast cancer.
Our new Pope is so amazinglicious, that he's recommending Christians stop condemning other religions, insisting that there are more commonalities between them, than dogma that separates them. In a bid to win favor with circumcision advocates of the Christian faith, he's endorsing a rabbinical mouthwash for Priests. Brit MilahFresh, in new MetzitzahMint and Maztzoball flavors, from Low Hanging Fruit: Kosher Sauces, Medical Supplies and Environmental Impact Studies for all Occassions. "Choose Brit MilahFresh: Because boys aren't fully clean until their Metzitzah fully clean!" A recent surge in Low Hanging Fruit stock may be due to the increased market for sauces in drier climates, old fashioned circumcisions, and studies on the potential uranium impact on countries who have stuff we want, bad. The incredible claim that Brit MilahFresh mouthwash leaves your tongue and salivary glands Clean as a Whistle and Soft As a Baby's Behind has yet to be undeniably refuted by peer reviewed scientific studies.
Community Spirit Award Day was turned into a massive teleconference due to carcinogenic vog. An award for most creative high environmental impact aerobics class went to Old People With No Blood Relations for their ingenious use of gas leaf blowers in public places. Uncle Sam was quoted in the Status Quo as saying, "It is an amazing how when you stop giving a shit about the future, your whole world opens up and the possibilities are endless." Until that cavernous hole swallows everyone and everything up.
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